5 Reasons I Suck at Facebook

If you're one of my "friends" on facebook, it's no big secret that I kind of suck at it. I don't remember the last time I signed in, and I'm pretty sure one of my last status updates said something like "If you need to get in touch with me, you'll have to contact me through Daniel, because I'm never on here." (By the way, kudos to Natalie, who did read my update and wished me a happy birthday on Daniel's page. I actually got the message! Thanks for listening!) My update wasn't meant to be snotty, it's just very true--Daniel checks his facebook quasi-religiously, and I never do. In fact, at some point in the distant or recent past, he saved his login so that our computer automatically pulls up his facebook page. At what point that happened, I have no clue. Could have been six months ago for all I know.
Am I on here pledging to be better? Uh, no. I just logged in to see just how behind I was, and after seeing how many requests I had waiting, and how many things I had to scroll through, I got overwhelmed all over again, and went back into hiding, possibly for another six months. I'm just here to explain why I no longer like Facebook. Here are five reasons I suck at Facebook, and feel very little remorse for it.
1. I don't number my friends. Honestly, I can't tell you how many "friends" I currently have (proof I'm not kidding--upon logging in today I realized they have moved the box that lists my number of friends, and I just didn't bother looking for it). I know it's not a ton, but I also know it's way more than I would ever think to count as friends if I were just listing my buds off the top of my head. I also know that some people live and die by the number of friends they have--and that's never been my style. I've never cared about popularity one bit (and not one person who knows me would disagree with that), I try to be nice to everyone, but I just don't get the hype around "friending" and comparing "friends" with other people. It drives me crazy. Be prepared--if you start a sentence with the phrase "So-and-so has more facebook friends than me..." I have no idea what followed it, because I officially tuned out.

2. I don't "friend" people I don't know, don't remember, or don't like. I have no freakin' clue what goes through people's heads when they send friend requests to people they tormented in High School--particularly without any sort of note explaining why they're doing it. Are you "friending" me because there are a few shots you didn't get in a decade ago? To apologize for years of rudeness? Because you honestly don't remember being a jerk and thought we were friends? Eh, come to think of it, none of those reasons entitles you to be able to view pictures of my kid whenever you feel like it, and jump back into my life. Just because I'm over your past behavior does not mean I'm going to welcome you back into my life with open digital arms. Hello, ignore button. I'm not curious enough to accept the request and see what happens. Also, if I can not remember you to save my life, and you don't include a clue as to who you are (like perhaps, a message telling me your maiden name), but facebook says we went to the same high school, I'm going to assume you are trying to bolster your numbers by trolling for "friends" and ignore you too. It's nothing personal, see #1.

3. Just because your friend request wasn't accepted yet, doesn't mean I don't like you. As I have just admitted, I check my Facebook account maybe two or three times a year, so it's highly likely that I would friend you back, if I see the request. But because I don't check it, people get all upset and worried that they've gotten the dreaded "ignore" button. Chances are, if I see you regularly, and talk to you in person, and am therefore a real, live, friend to you, I'm more than happy to "friend" you online as well. Please don't start being weird around me, or wondering what you did wrong because you sent a request two days ago and it hasn't been answered yet, it will probably be a lot longer before I get around to clicking accept. Until then, seeing as were actual friends, I will call you to find out a status update, ok? Or, if it bothers you that much, tell me about the request, and I will go in there and accept it. Although I don't know what you're banking on seeing, because I rarely update it!

4. I'm just not into details enough to enjoy reading the updates anymore (also known as, I like to keep a little mystery between us). I like knowing what people I know (or used to know) are up to. To a point. Facebook has allowed us to go way WAY beyond that point. Light years beyond that point. For instance, I want to know how many kids you have, how you're doing, where you live, what you do for a living, and maybe if you're having a good or bad day. If you get in a major accident, or suddenly need help/prayers/support, I want to know that too. I do not need to know at any given moment everything you ate that day, the exact amount of sleep you got last night, what you thought of every single TV show you watched today, or the price of everything you have ever purchased ("posted from my blackberry while still at the store!"). That last one particularly bothers me. I'll make all you shoppers out there a deal--if I concede the point that because of all your purchases, you must have more money than me, and therefore must also be my better, will you please stop posting what you have just bought? I doubt before facebook you would call 250 people with every mildly impressive purchase, and just because you can inform 250 people in one fail swoop, doesn't mean you should. Oh, and one last caveat--I'm glad you are able to capitalize on a rough financial time for the rest of us, really, I'm happy for you, but bragging repeatedly online about how much you are spending on a huge new house, while I'm paying my 2006 mortgage rates, makes me want to virtually punch you in the neck. (Forget "poking," can we get a button for that?) If it's tacky to talk about something in mixed company in person, it's equally tacky to blurt it out online.

5. It's gotten too political. From the friends you can't ignore, even if you don't want to exchange casual personal information with them (bosses, some family members, etc.), to the friends who believe that facebook is their own personal Glenn Beck (or Al Franken) hour, facebook has gotten too political for me. I have friends from all walks of life, from every spot on the political spectrum, different colors, religions, and creedos. I have zero problem with people who feel the need to occasionally speak out about a particular subject that hits close to home politically (that's why I blog, for crying out loud!). What I can't stand is the constant political grandstanding (you know who you are!) and all the "invitations" to "causes." My political, religious, and personal beliefs are extremely important to me, and they are also very complex. They can not be summed up by accepting or rejecting a blurb about a so-called "cause." I didn't get in touch with people from my past to constantly offend them politically, nor did I get in touch with them so they could offend me by constantly asking me to in essence "take sides" on complex and controversial political issues with one click. I do not need to virtually walk around wearing a coat of "cause buttons" to display what I believe. I display what I believe in the way I live, and vote, who I choose to associate with, and who I don't. I dislike the fact that because it is so easy to invite friends to take sides on a political issue, people think it is okay to do so. We would never walk up to someone we hadn't seen in 10 years and ask them to join our "No on 210" campaign first crack out of the box, but online, basic politeness seems to go out the window. If you want to join a cause on facebook, that is totally fine, but please do not send me endless requests to do the same, and judge me if I choose otherwise. The fact that I do not want to do lip service for a cause by wearing a virtual button for Greenpeace (because I disagree with some of their practices) does not mean that I'm all up for killing the whale population, and the fact that I think it is ridiculous (and frankly, a little sacrilegious) to become a "fan" of my religion on a website, does not mean I am not proud to be a member of my church. I show that by going, and participating, and living the standards I've set for myself, as opposed to, you know, making a single click. Similarly, if I do not want minute by minute updates on your wedding plans, it does not mean I'm not a fan of your relationship and don't want you to succeed. It means I don't want to be a "fan" in the facebook sense. I still love you.
Along the same lines, please do not make every status update a sales pitch for your pyramid scheme--because while I might not care enough to find the box that numbers my friends, I will search up, down, and sideways to find that "virtual neck punch" button I requested earlier. I will use it liberally on any and all "friends" who seem intent on using me only as a potential customer or political lackey.


In short, I think it may be time for me to take my facebook profile down.
There's keeping updated on people in your life, and then there's holding all your friends virtually hostage to minute details in the name of being a "friend" or a "fan." As it stands now in my life, I think the latter has overwhelmed the former. If you really need to get in touch, you'll know where to find me--on Daniel's facebook page.