The Proper Way to Go to the Doctor

Today, we have a guest blogger on It's My First Day, and it is none other than Samantha.

Hello everyone, Sam here! Today, I'm taking over Mommy's blog to share my wisdom with the babies of the world, and my first installment will teach you how to go to the doctor--correctly. Let's face it, none of us like getting shots. It's a miserable experience and I don't think our parents realize just what they're putting us through. I always end up with a fever that wears me out and puts a serious damper on my climbing for at least two days. Then, when I'm sick, they won't even take me to the park, even though their stupid shots are what made me this way! Jerks! Fear not, fellow babies of the blogosphere, because if you stick with me, I'll teach you how to make sure that going to the doctor is just as miserable for your Mom or Dad as it is for you! Use the wisdom wisely.

Yesterday, my Mom told me we were going to the doctor. She told me the doctor would check my ears, eyes, teeth, arms and legs, while pretending to give me a check up. If your mom does this, it is important to giggle and smile and play along. This will lull your mom into a false sense that you are going to be better than expected at the doctor.

When we got to the doctor, the receptionist told my mom that need her to fill out some forms at the 1-year visit. This is what you might call a lucky break, one you may or may not get to encounter. I was lucky because when mom is trying to fill out a form on a clipboard, she can not also hold a very wiggly toddler who likes to "help" with the pen. She had no choice but to put me down. If you get this opportunity, DO NOT waste it. This is the perfect chance to run around the waiting room and touch everything. More importantly, you can try to touch everyONE. I've never met a newborn I didn't like to poke, and fortunately for me, there were several in the room. This made sure that Mom and to get up and yank me back to her chair roughly every 30 seconds. Not only did this extend the form-filling-out time exponentially, but it mortified Mom, because if some strange kid had hovered all over me when I was two days old, she would have popped something internally and wanted to bust some heads. It's easy to embarrass parents, but acutely mortifying them takes more skills. When all the newborns were gone, I found a kid my age who couldn't walk yet. I would run over, grab his toy (so much better than my own that I will not play with outside of my own home) and run off with it. Again, this ensured Mom could not finish the form. If your mom tries to bribe you with snacks, I have a little trick to make that fail, while still getting you the goodness you seek. Grab handfuls of whatever it is and then run back around the room shoving them in your mouth. You get a snack, but your mom still has to get up to keep you in check, and as an added bonus, you leave a trail of cheerios behind you mom has to clean up. Win, Win, Win! The trick to making all this work without reflecting badly on you is to wave and smile at the other people in the waiting room while you wreak havoc. This way, they will think of you as a total sweetie who must not have any boundaries at home, instead of a demon seed. You do not want them feeling sorry for your mother, you want them shooting her annoyed looks. This can continue until your mom gives up on the form and hands it back.

While mom is cleaning up your cheerio trail, the nurse will come and call your name! It is your turn to see the doctor! Make sure to shoot a parting wave and toothy grin at the waiting room crowd (ahh, how cute!) and then just run over to the nurse and follow her. Don't bother looking back for your mom, you didn't hear her yell "Samantha and Mom" did you? Besides, she is busy stuffing all your toys and stuff into the diaper bag and running behind both of you while unknowingly dragging your blankie on the floor. She'll catch up soon enough, I'm sure, but pretending you have any concern for your mother's whereabouts only makes her feel loved and needed. You don't want to get a clingy mom on your hands.

If you swing it right, you can get one more chance to frustrate your Mom before you get to the exam room. Walk right next to the nurse and your Mom down the whole hallway, polishing your halo and waving at all the other doctors and nurses. This will help mom relax slightly and stop sweating from the waiting room fiasco (if your mom is actively sweating, you have done your job). Right before you get to the room they want you to go in, dash as fast as you can in another direction, just for kicks. Randomly running off is good, but it's a rookie move. If you can make it to someplace there are other people to see you (and shoot your mother more annoyed looks when she finally catches you), you have mad skills. Myself? I made it behind the receptionist's counter and into the main office. Booyah! At this point, your freedom is over, and you will be carried, preferably kicking and babbling, into the exam room.

The nurse told my mom to put me on a table that was covered in paper. They say it's there for your protection, but it is not for your comfort. I decided I wouldn't stand for it, ripped off one end and and shoved the paper out of my way before sitting down on the table. Don't worry about germs, that's your mom's job to stress about! To keep the cuteness going, while mom tried to undress me, I literally danced out of my pants. That helped balance the yelling when she tried to take off my shirt, and the fact that upon removal of my shoes, I picked one up and licked the bottom of it. Being naked in public is it's own reward, so go ahead and behave yourself while they measure you, besides, you don't want them thinking you're shorter than you are. Give that measurement a good stretch!

When the nurse leaves, cling to your mom, give her smiles, and make her think that her ordeal is over now that she's got you captive. While you wait for the doctor, do all your favorite tricks! Point at everything she asks for, "Where's the door? Where's mommy's hair? Where's your shoes?" Say a few words on command. Throw the woman a bone, she's been through a lot today. Then the doctor will come in the room.

Instead of greeting him with a smile, stare at him suspiciously. Whatever you do, do not return his wave, and do not do anything your mom tells him you can. When she says you know 10 words, refuse to say a single one on command. The point is to make her look crazy. When the Dr. is explaining important things about vaccine side-effects to your mom, it's time to decide that you are starving, the fact that it's not time to eat means nothing. Start screaming and yelling "num num!" at random intervals. Scream through the entire exam, remember, if your doctor can actually hear your lungs when he is trying to listen to them, you aren't trying. After the exam, when it's time for mommy's questions, she will give you a snack and you can eat ravenously and say "Num, num" to your heart's content. Here is an excellent time to decide you will wave at the doctor, so do that. If he doesn't wave back, because he's talking to mommy, give him the business in a loud angry voice.

Then, the nurse will come back to give you several shots. The only advice I have here is to yell "mama!" heartbreakingly when the nurse puts you back on the paperless table to maximize pre-shot guilt. While you are getting the shots, scream and sob, but keep your eyes open and stare at you mother reproachfully as if this is all her fault. If you have a very advanced vocabulary, you can say "Et tu, Mama?", but if you are like most of us babies, you'll just have to let your eyes do the talking. Look betrayed, look upset, but mostly, look miserable. After the shots, mommy will give you your blankie or lovey and cuddle you on the way out. Some kids think the continued screaming is the best route, but I disagree. I've found that screaming automatically puts mom back into "problem-solving" mode to get you out of the office without a scene, while quieter sobbing, and the occasional gasp from the depths of your soul, will win you the most sympathy and guilt. On the ride home, lay in your carseat like a slug. Make sure that when she looks in the rear-view mirror, she sees 1) your many bandaids, and 2) the look on your face that shows you've lost the will to live. A master of these skills can get Mom's eyes to well up along with yours. Your work here is now done.

If you go to the doctor properly, as I've now imparted the wisdom to do, you will make sure your mom or dad is as miserable as you, yet leave them with enough guilt and sympathy that you will recieve nothing but cuddles, love, and excuses for any finky behavior for the next several days. That, my young friends, is what makes me a true artist. You are welcome.