Monday, September 20, 2010

There are worse parents...

So, the last little while, Sam has officially "discovered" Dora the Explorer. She's seen it before, but lately she's been asking to watch it, and singing the songs, and all around enjoying Dora. I knew this day would come, because Dora has more marketing dollars spent on her than Charlie Sheen does for damage control, and it was only a matter of time before the flood leaked into our house.

However, while I certainly have no desire to be one of those obnoxious helicopter parents who sleeps in their kids' dorms for the first three weeks of college because they just can't bear to leave them behind, I've been forced to come to the conclusion that Dora's parents are pretty darn negligent. I mean, really. They exist, because they show them on occasion, so this isn't one of those shows where they just don't mention her parents and we're supposed to assume Dora's world is in her imagination or something. She has a house, and both her parents live in it--presumably "raising" her twin baby siblings, although they seem to spend more time with Dora supervised by only a preschool-age monkey in red boots than they do at home. Lately, I've been imagining an episode taking place with Dora's parents while Dora is exploring. Here's a rough draft of the script.

A visitor comes to the "Explorer" house (for lack of a better last name).
Dora's Mom: "Hi there, come on in! We're watching TV."
Visitor: "Hi! So, uh, where are your kids?"
Dora's Mom: "Oh, I don't know. Dora put the twins in a wagon and said something about taking a baby crocodile over to his mother in the rainforest. I zoned out when I heard the word 'volcano.' That kid is always talking about something, you know. Do you want something to eat?"
Visitor: "No thanks. So, wow, your four-year-old just took the babies across the volcano? Isn't that really dangerous? Are they going to be ok?"
Dora's Dad: "Eh, don't worry. They do stuff like this all the time. Dora's got a little purple backpack filled with all sorts of random crap to keep her safe. You know, space suits and stuff. It probably weighs more than she does, but I didn't see a sign of a hump on her spine when she came home for an hour last Tuesday. She'll be fine."
Visitor: "Ok. I guess. So what about the babies? Will they be okay with a four-year-old babysitter going over a volcano!?"
Dora's Mom: "Geez, chill out. It's not just a four-year-old. Her little monkey friend is with her, and he's pretty responsible as monkeys go. Besides, the twins can fly, so it's not like they have no way to get over the volcano. Sheesh, what kind of mother do you take me for?"
Visitor: "Your babies can fly?"
Dora's Dad: "Yeah, they've got superpowers. We would keep them home more often, but what are you going to do? Infants gotta fly..."
Visitor: "Can Dora fly?"
Dora's Mom: "Oh, heavens, no. But she's always got random animal friends coming by driving various modes of transportation--planes, trains, cars. I've introduced her to everyone in the area, so it's not like she's in the car with strangers. And she always wears a seat belt. I guess I'm just kind of strict like that, but you've got to keep your kids safe."
At this point, Dora's Dad gets bored by the conversation, belches, and turns his full attention back to the TV.
Visitor: "Well, yeah. But isn't that evil fox always waiting to steal things from kids? What's his name, Swiper?"
Dora's Mom: "Hey, well, if you want to raise your kids that you'll always come to the rescue so they can never deal with bullies on their own, that's your prerogative. I prefer to let her learn how to take care of business. If she can't stand up for herself and keep her hands on her stuff, she's the one who can dig through the wilderness looking for it. Maybe it will teach her to be a little quicker on her 'Swiper, no swipings!' I don't know about you, but I don't want a whiny little preschooler, who can't even deal with a simple evil fox."
Visitor: "Alright, then. Well, it's been nice to see you, and if you'll excuse me, I have to make a call. (whispers) CPS."
Dora's Mom: "See ya later. Hey on your way out, will you grab me a beer? Or in Spanish...cerveza!"

I really doubt Nick will ever air my show, but for cross-promotion, I'm sure Diego's parents could swing by for a movie marathon or something on occasion. It's not like they're all that involved either...


Laser Pegs said...

Nice blog about christmas gift shop.

Crow Family said...

LOL. Dora is big in our house now. Diego is even bigger. =)